Archive for July, 2014

Magazine project, for fun.

Posted: July 27, 2014 in Uncategorized



Poem: New Day

Posted: July 23, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

the more I think about it
the more I wonder if it’s real
the dreams of my past
I’ve dream of creating something
where I leave this
died world and into
a new reinvented
where man and nature
is at peace with
each other
and we live in the ways
of the old
But with the technology
of the new
then again
I can create this world
in my art
and the ones who believe
in my creation
can help
see it through
because I know
I’m not the only one
who wants to change
this world
But to change it
we have to
renew it
and birth life
once again

I just love books, and my desire for knowledge is endless. There are things I learn from books better than if someone was to teach me. I am currently finishing reading “Burn Your Portfolio: Stuff They Don’t Teach You In Design School, But Should” by Michael Janda. I have been reading this book for the past 3 to 4 months. The reason it has taken me this long to finish is because once I read and learn about a new concept I right away put it into practice. This is what I love about books, mostly books that talks more on a mind set and talking about different concepts.
I learn a lot when I read, because reading always was one of my favorite things to do. If not reading it was the fact I love hearing and story. Because reading and listening to a story and/or concept brings up more ideas, compare to me watching someone show me the idea and basically give me all the answers. This is why I’m not a big internet fan, unless I’m looking for something to build an idea I already have. I’m not saying I’m against the internet, hack some of the books I own and wish to own I from searching online. But my point is that books bring up concept I heard of, or never thought about.
Let me give an example. I had to take a class called “Typography 3″ (a design class which focus on type treatment and layout) 2 times. Because the first time I somewhat had an idea, but I was lacking a few element and understanding of how to go about it. Put it this way in “Typography 2″ we was so focus on project base work (almost every design class was base on project base work) and so I wasn’t able to pick up much. I was surprise I even passed the class with a C+. So by the end of the first time in Type 3 I found a few books on layout and typography, I own the books now. But the books that helped me the most were “Editing by Design: For designers, art directors, and editors” by Jan V. White; “Typography Systems of Design” by Kimberly Elam; and “Layout Essentials: 100 Design Principles for Using Grids (Design Essentials)” by Beth Tondreau. Even though my Type 3 teacher was amazing (in my opinion) because he did speak in a way that I understood what I was doing and learning, but the problem was how the school was so project base I wasn’t able to fully understand what I was learning. If I my Type 2 teacher would have explain more I would have past Type 3 the first type. (Let me just say that my Type 2 teacher was using my Type 3 teacher files to teach, so there was a lot of confusing and misunderstandings.) I could show the difference but there will be too much to point out and explain, so maybe next time.
Then there’s books that gives off a mind set that catching my interest and makes me think a lot. Usually I think of my own stuff, but when I read books that gives off a mind set I read those books deeply to try and understand their point of view. When I do get see and understand their mind set that opens a million doors for me. Because not only do these people, who write these books, give me very interesting concepts to think about but also gave me a different view of what goes around me. For example there’s the show called “Face Off” which is basically makeup artist showing off their stuff to win a prize. Shows like Ink Master, and now Motor City master gives off a mind set I wouldn’t have if I was just staying in my own little bubble. After these shows I could never see anything the same way again, the same with books. Before Motor City Master I knew cars, and other things you would drive was art but I didn’t see it from the person who creates these things point of view. Now after Motor City Masters I notice almost every detail of a car and get excited when I see a new car or a notice something different from two similar cars. Because the Art Institute I already had the mind set that everything is a form of art, and I did see it detail. But the school, plus the books and show made me see them even closer than before.
Not only do I see the amazing details someone puts into animated film, but I can also see almost every detail of a car. As an artist I should have already seen these forms and shapes, the difference is I a prestige more of the fine details. It’s just like every time I look at ancient artwork, they had to be perfect the right time and every little detail is amazing in it’s own right. If they messed up once, no matter at what part they were at, they had to start over. This is also the same feeling I get when I read a new concept, or a concept that is stated in a different way.

Other great books:
Whatever you think, Thank the Opposite” , “It’s not how good you are, it’s how good you want to be” both by Paul Arden
The art of being unmistakable” by Srinivas Rao
18 minutes: find your focus, master distraction, and get the right things done” by Peter Bregman

Poem: Walking

Posted: July 17, 2014 in Uncategorized


Walking through life
All I can think about
Is my death
Because no matter
What way I go
I’m still going to
End 6 feet under
Or maybe in
A fishes gut
But either way
I know I’m going
Where everyone ends

But as I walk
I notice how
Everyone I meet
Gives off a smile
Even though
There are good and bad people
You don’t know till
You live with them

I live around people
Who doesn’t walk
My path
And who judges me
Base on their
No matter how
Or what
I say
They will not
Change their

I have met people
Who understands
And who have
Change their ways
But in this
Jail I call home
No matter what
Right or wrong
I do
I still fail
In their eyes

But as I walk
Down this life
I realize
Why bother
Changing someone
Who doesn’t…

View original post 93 more words

07.15.2014_Thinking Outloud

Posted: July 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

It’s a good thing I placed my goal for 3 years instead of of the end of the year. My goal is to finally stop picking my face, lose weight, and to be the person I know I can be.
Let me explain what I mean. You see I have always dreamed of who I am, taking away all the problems and issues that are currently surrounding me. I think very highly of myself, plus some of my habits that I gain from living in my household I recognize isn’t really healthy for me. That fact I know what is wrong with me makes it easier for me to change. But here’s where the problem lays whenever I try to change two things are likely to happen where I then become discourage. For one: fear of new and something different. I pretty much am too afraid of this change. I know it is for the better, but I fear that I wouldn’t make my family proud or happy for me. I’m so use to trying to pleas my family that I lose sight of what I want to make me happy. Now the second reason is that whenever I do try my family in some form of way would discourage me. Like they would keep reminding me that I could never be better than what I am. The keep reminding me that I could never live on my own. It’s not my fault that every time I try to pleas them they don’t see it as such. Most of the time they point out what’s wrong with me. When I try they point out that I’m doing it all wrong. They forget that a person must fail so they could understand how to do it right. I’ve grown so use to people telling me what to do that it’s are to make choices that benefit me. I’ve grown so used to the idea that who I am is not important enough to care about. Also how the hell can I do something that I believe is right when everyone around me looks down upon me, and disrespects me. I know I can be better than this. I know that most of the time it’s because I’m scared to change, but also the very people I call family also brings me down.
Then I think about everything that makes me “me.” my passion for writing and art. I love how whenever I focus when I write or draw, and even plan out my next project the emotional high I get is beyond perfect. When I get down to putting my thoughts on paper nothing else matters. So I need to put that kind of energy and mindset to making my goals a reality. But it’s a bit of a challenge, good thing I like a challenge. When I get down to working on a writing or art project the environment around me disappears, I become the person I know I am. When I do something I love there’s no stopping me, but it’s a passion that I picked up right away. I got into writing when in 2nd grade my class had to do a poetry assignment, which made me love poetry. I got into story telling when my sister used to read a big chapter book on English fairytale, from there I wrote short stories. Writing is a great passion of mine, and when I think I think in words. Then when I got more into drawing was when I was 9 years old. And when I put them together I let my creative grow and just had fun. I love learning new things and putting them to use, but when it comes to health and doing something that is healthy is hard. Even though I know I can do it if I was to just push myself instead of talking about it I can do it. So I guess when I finally leave this house I can try to put some focus into my health. Also once I do start working the best way to escape from work I can use bettering my health to relieve stress that I know will start to build up. I’m already stressed out my mind, and so I pick my skin and have bad eating habits. I would usually not eat for a long time and then eat a lot at once, or I would eat sum through out the day which also isn’t good. I’m pretty much killing myself. – At this point I wrote about 768 words –
When I think about what I gone through in life I am in a way to blame for where I am, but at the same time not so much. I struggle through emotional break down, but as my childhood therapist states it that I am bipolar, and suffer with depress as a child. In my mind, of what I remember, is that I’m was always laughed at, bullied at school and at home. I am emotionally disturbed, and yet what I what makes me happy is a blessing. As a child I felt trapped in my own home, I felt no one wanted me. My own sister, who raised me, said to my face that she never wanted to take care of me and that she was force into raising me. She is also the first one to say anything to me. Whenever I used to cry she would be the first one who always tried to make me stop, and not in a nice way. She would be the first one to mention how my emotions could never compare to what she was and is going through. She was to first to remind me that whatever I feel and who I am is nothing. She reminds me how I have a better life than most people. Yeah I feel blessed to be able to eat, and have a roof over my head. But then again I’m going through an emotional hell. No one wanted to be with me, no one really wanted me. I grew up feeling like an outsider in my own home. I must admit that there where times I felt wanted and love, but it doesn’t make up a life time of being put down. Also at the fact that my own nieces, who are younger than me, don’t even respect me. I’m basically nothing in this house, and because I am so emotionally put down whenever I try something I’m always looking for approval from my family. Like why can’t I ever do anything right, why can’t they see me as I see myself. I have written a lot of poems of how much I would love to end my very life, but fear is what keeps me alive. I have burned my own skin once when the emotional pain was too much and I didn’t have a pen or paper at my reach. I lied to a number of people of me not wanting to end it all, even though I really want to. Then whenever I do get those thought I think about how I’m just quitting after so long of feeling this way. If I finally do kill myself then the voices in my head who win. And when I do think about death I keep reminding myself how no one will really miss me, because I am nothing. And then I remember how I have brothers in the Dominican Republic, and that my real birth mother died in August 2009, and I haven’t seen them since I left DR to start 5th grade and get through school. I wasn’t even there for my own mother’s funeral! Which hurts ever so much. It hurts knowing that no one ever told me she was even sick until she had passed away. For goodness sake, why couldn’t anyone even try to tell me. And at that my siblings, well my sisters here, they look down on my mother. It hurts knowing how someone who gave me up, because I was dying and wanted a better life for me, is being looked down upon by people who doesn’t even know her. When I was with her for a year after 4th grade, and the reason I went there in the first place was because the woman I call mother know didn’t want me. When I spent time with my own mother I finally felt happy and wanted. I finally felt like I was alive and I didn’t want to ever leave such a wonderful place. But of course I caught parasite and my stepfather wanted his way with me. The fact that a woman, I’ve known only by stories and pictures, could have so much love and wanting for me gave me up for a better life, but what if she knew I would suffer emotionally to gain such a wonderful life, would she have given me away? I love the people I grew up to know as my family, but at the same time I really dislike them. I would say I hate them, but they did take care of me and loved me – even though most of my emotional pain came from them. As much I would love to continue talking about how I feel about them it would just make me another one of them. My family keeps compare me with the sister who raised me, but I’m not her. As much as I want to continue talking I won’t.
Like I was saying I need to do things that are healthy for me, like working out more and being outside instead of always being home. Also I should speak to someone instead of writing my problems on a blog, but I’m not the speaking type. Either way I should really work on my health more, and my career is fine the way I’m going. It’s hard being surrounded by things that reminds a person that they’re pretty much nothing. Oh well, I have to focus myself to look at the bright side.

Lately I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even thou I try to push myself to draw, design, and be a creator it’s currently being a bit hard. With what’s going at home I can’t focus much. Usually I would be able to create things for my enjoyment, but because of design school I find it hard to create something for myself instead for someone else. So now I’m currently suck. Now I like sketched out draft for a jewelry brand, just for practice.
I’m at least happy to restart my magazine. Even thou I’m not doing like before, where it’s all about me. I got a few friends to let me use some of their work. Also I won’t be doing most of the artwork, but mostly the writing for now. I will get back into my work flow soon enough.
This also is around the time where I’ve been listening to less music. So I guess I’m trying so hard to escape my emotions. What I mean by this is that most of my music brings out all my emotions, so I basically feel more with music. Also with music I don’t need to think much, and when I think a lot I lose focus of who I am because I begin to notice all my faults and everyone else around me.
I have a history of being bipolar and depress since my childhood. So when I think I over think and it leads me into a depression. With everything going on around me I been trying to block out everything, and it’s leading me to a dark path (again). At first I thought I needed to take a vacation from school, but turns out that because I’m suck in an unhealthy environment I could never truly take a vacation.
Here’s an interesting thing thou I’m in a relationship, and it’s going well. We meet online, and of course I made sure he was who he was. So everything is going great. We talked for a while and I found him to be perfect. But the down side he’s an army guy and currently doing an assignment in Turkey. The reason that these things upsets me is I need to save money to bring him home early so we could completely be in a fully true relationship. I don’t really mind much, it just gives me another reason I need a job. I have to admit I was always the settling type, well because I don’t want to be like my older siblings and their relationship problems. He’s more settle than me, and he has his own place. Also it’s away from the city, which is even better.
The fact my boyfriend has a place outside the city is behind wonder, because that’s what I’m really missing. I’m being driven to my breaking point, but soon enough I won’t have to worry about this.
Even though I should be worried about finding a job, I’m not. While because for one if I do what I love someone is bound to find me, also I know a few a ways to get in touch with people I want to work with. But I would like to finish my full portfolio and then apply everywhere.
Oh, because I have no way to legally be able to use Adobe I’m going to be doing most of my work using Corel software, which I got the legal way. I’m one of those who go after the best and legal things, instead of finding ways around it that could get me in trouble. I will admit I do have a illegal vision of Adobe CS6, but I’m not using it. That was only to be able to do school work at home, and just for fun. But I’m using Corel, so that way I don’t get in trouble for anything.
I have to admit Corel is a pit more harder for me, since I got used to Adobe, but I’m not saying I can’t work with it. I love the fact it’s hard, because it not only gives me a challenge to do what I want, but also gives me a reason to play around with the software. I love getting my hands on software that I have no idea how it works, because it’s a trill to play with it. It’s like a digital puzzle that I want to solve without up, and also as I solve that puzzle I find tools I can use for any project. Some people go right into learning how to create something with the software by using videos or reading about it. The software is my playground. I need to play with the software to understand, and I won’t be able to use a software if I go to other sources before I touch the software. To me it’s like going through New York City. I’ve lived in this city since I was 2, and I know almost nothing about it, and whenever I find a new place or walk though Time Square I’m amazed at the city I love in.
It’s exciting to play around with new software because it’s exciting to find new things and how to do different things. Also when I find short cuts that’s even more exciting. To me software is really a nice toy, that also is used as a tool. Like when you let a baby play around with a brunch of shiny tools from the father’s and/or mother’s toolbox. To the baby it’s all shiny tools, but the parents know what they’re really used for. And when the child sees what they’re purpose are the child would then try to copy and might even use that same tool better than the parents.
Because of my love for playing with software in high school my computer teacher showed me a software called “Google SketchUp.” He also showed me this software because of my love for organizing and prefect lines. So I’ve played with it and to the point I could do almost anything, but of course there are people better than me in 3D modeling, but I don’t care. My point is that, to my knowledge, I was the only Graphic Design student, at Art Institute of NYC, that heard and knew the software. So I helped out a few Fashion Design students with their SketchUp project. Of course my school at the time had “Interior Design” students, but they weren’t there at times, and they were the ones who was the only group of students who knew SketchUp well and better than me.
But either way I have to get back my flow, and work on stuff that I enjoy.

By the end of this month I will be leaving my home and living with a friend. This isn’t as bad as it sounds. Because from this point on I will not only be searching for a job in my field, but a job which I can put my skills to use. I guess I’m just being a bit restless, I haven’t really had a great vacation and I have one more week to go. Plus I found out I have one more canvas left, and I’m going to paint something to close a horrible chapter of my life.
I must admit I have been a bit disorganize for the past 3 months, but that’s because of the fact I was getting ready to end a huge chapter. Now once I paint this last canvas I can finally live my past behind me. I do have a great future ahead of me. Not only am I a creator but also somehow a business personnel.
I see myself in 5 years not only creating works of art but also starting a great business. My dream is to become a business owner, but I have a lot of work ahead of me. Funny thing is I almost went to an all business related school with one art program, but I went to an all art school (the Art Institute of NYC) to study Graphic Design. That school didn’t have much of a business, well until you’re finishing.
I choose an art school for the connections I could make, and I could learn business on my own. I am a self learner, so I would pick up things easy. Also I know my way around the internet to learn how to look for business and legal matter information. Plus I love books and there’s a NY Public Library branch just for business.
Maybe business owner is a bit out there for 5 years, at least have a company by 20 years. I could just freelance, and do whatever I want. I am a writer, artists, designer, and a thinker. That reminds me of why I started this blog in the first place. It was to meet new people and share ideas. But now I see it as much more than something so simple. I love to use my hands to tell a story, to create. I’m not so good at saying what I’m thinking, unless I’m in deep conversation with someone – which doesn’t happen as often. If I was to show you by the school system way of showing how smart a person is I’m more smarter in math than in literature, and yet I love to write and analyze.
But from people who know me they come to see me as a very smart person, and for some reason I don’t believe it’s true. Now my niece she has the mind of a scientist and she’s 13, she use to want to be one but now she’s following in her dream of art. We could take for hours on end about topics like planets and how things work, and at the same time we both enjoy creating something. I found my passion in poetry in 2nd grade, because it was the only way I was able to release myself of pain and sadness. My niece is more vocal with her thoughts.
I am quit glad for this, because I’m somewhat of her guide in art but that’s because I understand it a little more than her and she somewhat helps me vocalize myself when it comes to explaining what I’m trying to say. We all have gifts and we all are gathers of knowledge which is very interesting. If all goes while I might go from Graphic Designer to Software Designer.