Archive for June, 2015

Just me part 2

Posted: June 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

Because of the same sex marriage being officially legal, in the USA, I wanted to just write a bet on my personal sexual journey, mostly because I’m super happy and proud. I once again found another label I have found myself under. It’s androgynous, I’m also an open bisexual. (This is something I knew for a great deal, just didn’t want to talk about.)
Growing up I felt sexually surpressed and at moments conflicted by what my much older sisters would tell me. I been told countless times to be more “feminine.” This word I couldn’t really wrap my head around growing up. I been told to be dressy (wear skirts and dresses more), that I was going through a tomboy part of my life. To be more clean, look more like a girl. But then again most of my clothing wasn’t really brought, and almost everything i like was guy clothes. Girl things I did like was mostly black and blue.
I always hated myself growing up, so looking in the mirror was always painful. But every time I did first thing I always notice were my male features. It took a while for me to notice my female features, which is mostly my eyes and lips (at times). Growing up a joke me and my high school friends talk about how I’m really a boy in a female boy. Or that at the last month my sex changed before my birth.
My male features are more noticeable on my upper half, above my chest (mostly because I have large boobs, and a big butt. Also I’m a big on the chubby side). Like how I have more muscular features in my shoulder, arms, jawline, nose, and even my brow area. The only time my female side shows is having my hair down and smiling, it’s mostly the smiling. Other than that I have to wear make up to bring out my eyes more to transform my face a little to look more feminine. Fun part I only feel feminine for a couple of minutes before I feel nutural.
I love the fact I could bring out either side of my features depending on my mood that morning. Oh there was a time I tried online dating and gave a guy a photo of only of my face (not smiling, hair tied, no makeup) his first reply was that I was a guy. To me that was a great comment, and I felt great. But he didn’t like it, and I didn’t care. Since I was in head start I actually wanted to have a sex change, because I didn’t feel like a girl and how hurt I felt because my own saying how I really don’t act or behave like a full girl. I still have moments where I want to change my sex, but then I don’t. I don’t think that question will ever get full yes or no, till always be a maybe.

The bisexual isn’t that long winded as a story. Well I still I could remember. Let’s just say I accidentally saw porn on the TV, while hidding from my parents to surprise them. They turned on the TV and that was the first thing on. My attention wasn’t really at the guy. I was more attracted to the female. Another times I accidentally saw porn, because my uncle or cousin forgot to take the tape out from the VCR. But my attention was always on the girl. Then there was a time me and my 2 cousins, as kids less than 6 or 7, played in my aunts house and we were “exploring.” My cousins was a girl and a boy. I mostly liked my girl cousin, I didn’t want anything to do with my guy cousin. Wait, hold on. But fun part around this time I was really liked and was into a male friend of mine. Plus when I visit my grandpa’s apartment in the back were a group of boys playing, and I was really attractive to two of them. Most of the explanation is more of the type of “therapy moment.”

I been told my personality is very aggressive, yet kind and good nature, bubbly, head strong.


Just being me

Posted: June 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

Funny now that i think about it. I was so into my little box. I basically let the world pass by me. I grew up in an environment where my siblings were already in their teens while I was a toddler. I grew up trying to catch up, growing up fast. But what really is funny is that i was always the quiet one, always to myself, in my own world. It wasn’t until high school someone asked me if i was “goth.” To me that was a big eye opener. I never thought about what i was or labeled. To me i was just me. Back then I wouldn’t know how i would describe myself. I basically just say that I love to draw and write.
In high school i started to realize how depressed and lonely i truly was. People always asked me what i label myself as. They go how i could be goth because I like wearing black, my drawing and poetry was dark, I’m into rock, i had a way of looking at life, and some people say I’m smart. But i didn’t see it that way. But as high school went by into college till now i realize that I’m trying to hard to fit into a world where i never thought I would have ever know about. As a child i only saw 2 endings. One being that I killed myself or two i would end in an asylum for either trying to kill myself or others. I did end in a nut house for 10 days, because I starting talking about killing a bully of mine. This was 6th grade. I’ve come a long way, and somewhere there i forgot that I have to forget labels and forget to try and be something else. I have to be me to be able to push forward. How else am going to be 50 and be in an asylum if I’m not putting my all into what drives me to live. I never truly believed in human emotions, more like love is a foreign word that has no true meaning. I like something. But love is something different. I can describe it scientifically but still doesn’t mean anything. I kind of think that’s perfect, it got me this far.