Archive for April, 2017

Growing up broken: draft

Posted: April 6, 2017 in Uncategorized

Growing Up Broken

“Trapped in ones own mind is both a blessing and a curs.”

Childhood

How would one describe their first memory without feeling an overwhelming wave of emotions. For my first memory of this work I was waking up from a nightmare screaming mommy in my sleep. At first I thought I was only saying that in my dreams and not in the physical world. It’s when I was scared awake that I realized I was screaming in my sleep and both my parents where in mine and my sister’s room. Mother looking worried and dad looking upset that I woke everyone in the middle of the night. Till this day that’s all I remember of that experience, sometimes I would remember it where I was hit by my dad and others it’s just a blank. I was about 4 years old.

During my early childhood memory are usually in a blur and I could only remember mostly living between reality and fantasy. As a child I could not tell the difference for everything felt real. For example I live a state of 24/7 of paranoia, where I thought everything and everyone was out to get me. I would have moments where I would be falling through falls into a dark hole, I would be burning or cut in half by my own bed. There would be monsters on the other side of my window. On top of all this I would hear voices and see things that wasn’t there. I would be driven to moments of panic and I did not know how to deal with it.

During kindergarten to fourth grader I was no other known as the crybaby of the school. These fists of panic and anxiety would usually lead me to run out the classroom, hide under desk, or just try to find a quiet place to cry. I was also bullied heavily for reasons I was not award of. Because of the bulling I could not tell who was friend and who was enemy, because even the kids I thought were my friends were also very mean to me. I was also known to be very emotional, which didn’t help my case at all.

I was appointed therapy since I was 5 due to being caught about to hang myself, so I been told. I do not have memory of that moment nor do I want to. So from an early age I was diagnosed with mental disorders, mostly doing extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and paranoia. It also didn’t help that I felt unwanted in my own home. Not only that I was also in a sense bullied (or in their words “teased”) most of the time, and it hurt. Of course they would tell me to not take it to hurt but how could I not, after all I was technically the young with being 9 years apart from the my sister before me.

This sister was also the one who partially raised me, and not a day went by that she didn’t reminded me how much she hated taking care of me. Keep in my she is technically a child, and being given the stressful chore of taking of another child who everyone has come to known as the one with mental problem. This sister also hated how not only was she having to deal with me, but also being consider the responsible child of 4 kids. Now a days she has a lot of weight on her shoulders due to the fact everyone goes to her for help, and because she raised me I’m technically her assistant since I know how she thinks and where she’s coming from.

Now after fourth grade I was sent to live with my biological mother in the Dominican Republic. Here I met with my 3 brothers. At first I didn’t like or understood my eldest, since this was my first encounter with someone that you can tell has mental issues just by looking at them. I was very conflicted, but during our time together I came to a realization he was no different than me and he was the best older brother. My 2 younger brothers were the same ages as my two nieces back home, and they were also fun.

During my time in DR my mother’s current husband took a special interest in me. Whenever we were left alone he would touch me in places. I was both scared yet weirdly happy. I was most happy that someone was just paying attention to. In my mind I was being given attention, something I always wanted. Since at home I felt all alone and that no one cared for me so I always tried to get whatever attention I could. On top of that even my own niece, who was 5 years younger than me, would get me in trouble with my older brother (which is the eldest of us all) and he would hit me.

Back at home if I got in trouble I would either sent to the corner, my sister sometimes did this even when I have no idea what I did or just didn’t do anything. I would also get my hair or ear pulled, my brother would hit me whenever my niece would tell him I did something to her, when I clearly didn’t. So how was I supposed to feel when someone is being super nice to me, and paying attention to me. Was I supposed to run from someone that for once in my life was just nothing but nice. My birth mother was even super nice to me, and the stories I’ve heard of her didn’t make sense. Like how could such a nice woman just wanted to abandon her only daughter, when it clearly that wasn’t the case. I do admit she did warn me to stay away from the man, but I didn’t know what to do.

After that year of being in the Dominican Republic I come to find out I was very sick, and was treated. Also I came to find out I was sent there because the woman I have come to grow up to call mother just couldn’t deal with me, and my sister I was close to says she was fighting for me to returned. I also find out I was supposed to be in DR for two years, not just one. This just brought a wave of overwhelming emotions. Like I really felt for sure no one really wanted me. Like I was just another mouth to feed, that I was basically worthless. It like really sunk in how all this time I had a feeling that no one wanted me, and finding out why I was sent to live with my birth mother made that fact even more cleared.

Early Teenage Years

I started school again back at the stated where I left off, so I was in the fifth grade. I saw old classmates in my new school and some of them apologized for what happen in the past. Some even asked me if I still wrote poetry and drew, which I did. Writing and drawing was my little escape from the world, so I was proud of that. Also when I came back I came back differently, I wasn’t outward emotional as I was before. This changed happened during the summer after 3rd grade, which I actually took a vacation to DR, and when I came back to the states for 4th grade I was learning to just bottle up all my emotions. I have came to my own realization that no one would actually be there for me when I fell or cried, because everyone would be just laughing at me, even my own family. So the only way in my mind was to just keep everything to myself.

I would consider this the time I actually woke up to the reality that everything around me is a lie, that no one is to be trusted, and that I should just keep to myself. In what my family would say I became quiet. What was the point of speaking my mind when no one would really listen. So during most of 5th grade not a lot of people bothered me. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer from panic attacks time to time, or have moments where I was withdrawn from the world and in my mind. My teachers would always say how they didn’t understand me, nor my family. This was because they would say how I’m very smart but my grades would go up one quarter and then down a next.

All my childhood and teen years and even to this day my family, while my siblings, would always question the things I do because they would tell me that I am very smart. I was known as one of the artist in my classes and the quiet nice girl. I was known to be super nice and I guess that was my downfall because I was still being picked at. But instead of getting sad and wanting to cry I just grew angry and wanting to punch someone. But I kept those thoughts and urges to myself.

I wasn’t know to act, but I was known to just take it. During 6th grade was when I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I was still being bullied, what’s worth by two boys that were a year younger than me. One day they were picking on me while the teacher was out. I hit one with a rag and he punched me. I then sat down and began to tear up a bit but I admitted I was aiming for the other bully. The other kid said he”ll give me a chance to hit him, so I elbow him in the stomach. He hit me and I was tearing again. Then the first boy ask who hit harder. I just said my brother, and me and the whole class laughed.

There were times during after school I would be angry for no reason, and I would have a look, so people say. One girl even mention that I scared her because I had the look of death when I looked at her. Of course we both laughed and was on our way. I was also known as the girl who wrote poetry about how I hated my life and wanted to die. I told the school councilor that it was my way of facing my emotions instead of acting on them. Around after February I finally admitted to my councilor and therapist that I heard voices and saw things. They were very worried. Also around this time I pulled a girl’s hair, but it didn’t turn into a fight. We actually were somewhat okay with each other.

Around this time I became super talkative at home about how I much I wanted to just kill after my bully, and how I wanted to hurt everyone that hurt me. I even out right spoke how I was planning to actually act upon my thoughts. And on top of that I was talking back to my parents, well under my breath hoping they won’t hear. One day I actually out right told my dad I wanted to kick him out. I don’t remember the reason, but all I know I was just super angry that day.

On a Thursday some kid was being super mean to me and this lasted to Friday. Then on Monday when he continued I was so fed up with it that I took my pen and stabbed his arm, he threw a paper ball at me. This is when I was finally taken out of the school because I have shown a large amount of concerning behavior. I shown signs of both suicidal and homicidal behavior that adults felt that my current environment was no good for my person health. Somewhere between after teenage years I developed a case of skin picking disorder, this would be due both of extreme stress and self loathing. From my experience up to this point I felt worthless and unwanted, so in my head all I could think of was who the hell would ever want me.

For the next two weeks I was sent a mental institution to be evaluated, only to come out feeling more of an out-case than when I went in. This is when I was put under medication to treat depression and insomnia. These medication made me feel even more trapped in my own head and thoughts of suicide was even more pronounce than before. So because of this I do not trust medication to this day. On top of that my sisters have told me that the medication seem to be making me act in short dumber and would drool. It was effected my brain in more ways than one.

In September through December I was home school, which I was happy because no interactions with good for nothing bullies. That was until I was place in a school with the mentally challenged. I was not the only one who felt extremely insulted, but so did my closes sister. During the rest of 7th grade I felt like everything was dumb down, since everything was too easily and I was ahead of the rest of my class. I felt infuriated to be place in a school where everything was too easy. This also lead to me not really caring about my grades and not doing homework. The funny part was I got good grades and was a well student. 8th grade was okay, and during this time I was looking into colleges I wanted to go into.

I admit I like to study for fun on my own time, since I find learning a joy.

High School

This is where things were starting to calm down for me a bit. Well kinda. I became more aggressive to my male peers, yet I was, what you call, friends with them. This is also where I became the bully, but everyone know I was just playing I wouldn’t take anything too far. It was just for fun. Most of my so call friends were male, but it was nice since we had things in common. For example we all like video games and fantasy and anime and other things. This is also the time I was being super aggressive to one boy and he was bigger than me. He was super nice and I was trying so hard to keep his attention. Later that school year I finally admitted to him that I like him and it turned out he like me. We secretly dated till in the summer we came out.

Our friends would joke around that I was the pants in the relationship. Me and this boy broke up 3 times during a 5 year relationship. During high school people would usually ask me weird questions. For example was I goth or emo, my response was why not both. Also people asked what was I and my usually answer was I was me. Later on people would label me as a nerd, an artist, goth because of my dark art and poetry, and a somewhat of a gamer. I didn’t mind it at the time. But now as I’m older and people ask me these things I begin to feel left out because I don’t feel that I actually fit anywhere.

During this time my aggression was very known and my teachers would have to keep telling me to calm down. I was very smart but was easily frustrated which lead me not completing some of my work, but at the end of the day I did it. When me and my boyfriend had class together I would seem only focus on him. Well this is due to my need to feel wanted and given attention. Most of our relationship I felt drain since I felt I was putting my all and he wasn’t.

I didn’t do homework during high school. I hated when the teachers spoke while I was trying to focus on working, all because the rest of my classmates didn’t understand the subject. I actually grew annoyed that only a few of us understood and the rest needed a lot of help. Also during high school I had a complete meltdown at home. I felt completely worthless and I felt like a nobody in my own skin. So later after hours of crying and I went to my sister’s house (since I was living with her at the time) I became numb and did something I regret but would do again. For the next three days I went ahead and would feel numb and I would heat up a needle and burned my arm. I wanted so badly for the emotional pain to stop that all I could think of was going through physical pain.

College

After high school I kept pushing myself to move forward. Even though everyday was a challenge, since I was in a never ending war with myself. I would have days were I felt like a complete nothing and should die, other days I felt cold to the world, and others I felt numb. The college I went to people say it’s a waste, also it put my in debt. But if you think about it that’s every college regardless of their standards. This is because a college is just a place where you take what you, practice and hone your skills (if you know what you’re aiming for) and get out. People have come to call my college a waste of money, the teachers were awful, and the staff in general suck and wasn’t helpful. First off no teacher is supposed to give you the answers, you have to do that yourself. Second I found the school helpful because it inspired me to study harder and use the resources given to me to improve. I went to school for Graphic Design.

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