The adopted artist

Posted: November 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

Young and alone
Trapped inside her mind
The outside world
Coming at her from all size

Hand me downs
To keep her clean and clothed
But never what she what’s
And always looking poor

She tries to create
But force to put away
“Need to focus on
The rule world
And stop living in a fantasy”
They always say

Then one day
A little girl comes in
Everybody loves her

The little girl looks up to
The older artist
And becomes an artist too
But unlike the first
Who had to fight for her art
The little one
Was given everything she needs

The first one
The adopted child
Grew jealous of the little one

The little one was so lucky
Everyone gave her everything
Her favorite clothes
Art supplies
The little one was even given
The freedom to create without stress

But the first was
Never allowed her freedom
Whenever she had money
She wanted to buy
Her favorite clothes
But her family doesn’t let her

She would buy
Art supplies
And her family would make a fuss saying
“You should save up
Put that money to good use
And help the family”
She is never allowed
To think or to have anything for herself
But the little ones
Are given everything
Without working so hard to get them

The adopted child
Is at the point of being
Homeless
No matter how hard tries
No matter if she gets a job
Her so called family
Would never want her

It’s at the point
That she has given up
On everything
She has given up
On living

What’s the use
If no matter what she does
She can’t make it on her own
Because she was never allowed
To think for herself
So now she’s scared
Because she is losing the only
Home she knows
She could never make
Her family proud of her
And she doesn’t have the
Support she needs

All her life
She grew alone
An outcast in a so called home
What is she to do
If she can not
Find a new home

She made a promise
To many people
She would not
But it’s so tempting
To end her sorrow filled story.

Advertisements

Is it a little to late?

Posted: November 5, 2015 in Uncategorized

Is it a little to late
to ask for forgiveness
is it a little to late
to ask to be yours

after I left your embrace
I left my soul and heart behind
I cried
and dreamed of you
and to return to your arms
a year went by
I was trapped
in a lie
that I didn’t realize
I lost my chance
to ask to be returned

now 2 years later
I finally got out
of being trapped
no longer
angry
no longer
jealous
no longer
confuse

but it already
feels like I lost you
forever
because no matter what
I could beg and cry
but you’ll must likely
turn me away
because I doubt
you’ll ever forgive me
for what I put you though
for blaming you
for something that wasn’t
your fault

I told you
I hated you
I said it was your fault
I lied to your face
saying that I would never
go with you again

when we spoke again
I lied I was happy with someone else
I lied to myself
hoping the pain would go away
I tried to find
another one like you
warm and comforting
someone who knows how to cheer me up

I lied saying
I was happy
I lied because I still cared
I wanted to know
if you found someone
because I wanted to make sure
I made the right choice
I need to know someone
is making you happy
because everyday
I am dying inside

you know how I am
you know how misrable I am living
I blamed everything on you
just because I was angry
and you was just trying to help
it was never your fault
but it’s too late to ask you back

I regret everything I put you throu
I regret for being so mad
that day I forced myself
to be strong and do what I did
just because I tthought it was the right choice
sadly I have mistaken
I couldn’t bring myself
to give you a full hug
because I knew I would melt
in your arms and ask for forgiveness

I know you
could never take me back
even if I beg
because the path I choose
is too late to change

calm down and tried to live
life without you
I tried to find
someone who comfort me
and hold me close
but all I find
are cold arms

time and time again
I wanted to just end it
time and time again I wanted
to call
but I deleted your number
and when we did speak
I choked up texting you

after I gave you up
the clouds grew darker
and the pain made me numb
I started to be my sister
to where I just wanted attention
and wanted it from many places

but nothing fills the void
like you did
on our last few months you tried
and I couldn’t see that
I was blinded by so much rage and hopelessness
I didn’t realize you were trying so hard

you called to comfort me
but I took it as an install
I really don’t deserve you
you were the best thing
I ever had and I
was an asshole who dumped you
if you were to take me back
after so many years
I would be the happiest
person in the world

you was my everything
and I got jealous when you was held up
with everyone else
I was in raged that you
wasn’t allowed to just come
see me
instead of also having
to see family member
close to where I live

I was jealous that everyone
took you away from me
and we couldn’t spend time together
was never your fault
but yet in the end
I took it out on you
I’m a complete asshole

Short Update

Posted: September 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

Man do I have to post here more often 😂

Well last month my laptop went down so I had to readjust to using my phone for Internet and job hunting. I even started to reuse my Kindle. I been posting up mini projects on Instagram, Facebook, and Tumblr. So I gotta come back here.

Follow my Instagram: nikelir

My art and design blog on Tumblr: Nel-cc

Artwork of the Day

Posted: July 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

crystal ball flower

Emotions

Posted: July 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

Oh great I’m starting to settle on these feelings, it’s too the point I feel different around some people. like I can’t do what I always do, because it starting to feel awkward behaving that way.
funny how much my opinions on some things have change. like my type of guy, as a whole. like if i was to be in a relationship again i didn’t wanted to be with someone who drinks, smokes, or anything that is bad for the body. yet i’m starting to see that stuff doesn’t matter. when it comes to guys i always like guys taller than me, even better when they’re way taller than me; like nothing close to my height thou. also when it comes to age, but that opinion is always changing.
the point is that i’m starting to feel something that is so rare, and i really don’t want these feelings because i really don’t want to be hurt. i guess i can’t help it to fall prey to emotions like i always do. i try so hard to hide who i am because i don’t want to be hurt, and same time i don’t want to hurt anyone else. there’s a lot of people that i should say sorry to, because i haven’t been straight-forward with them and they don’t leave me alone. all i do is hide behind walls, too scared to face the outside world. it’s to the point where i really can’t hold myself together, and want to just break and do what i always wanted. but if i do will i still have friends after i commit a sin i’m burning to complete. i try so hard to be strong, not for myself but to protect everyone from me.
i sometimes don’t get how i have friends, when all i am is just a shell trying to fit into their world. we all have issues, and we all try to fight it alone. just sometimes when i have my moments the voices become stronger, the will to fight is weaken. i have inflicted damage onto myself to content myself from causing harm to others. i have tried to smile and enjoy, but with every great joy i express i’m pull into a great sadness/rage the next minute.what point of me to continuing to breathe.
i have moments where i’m left to myself and my thoughts and my hands always find themselves at my neck and putting on pressure. i’m sick, sick at looking at this world. yet i still get up everyday as if i can live on in a world i don’t belong.
but there are things in this world i love living for. the sky, trees. the energy i feel around great friends, and the joy of creating. so i can’t complain too much, but i have half/half of good and bad. i look forward to days that all i feel is bless, and i force through the hard (even when suicide and murder is screaming in my head).

How I deal with…

Posted: July 3, 2015 in Uncategorized

Anxiety?
Picking. I notice an imperfection and attack it, reasons why I don’t let my nails grow.

Frustration?
-at youngest niece and nephew
Yelling, and become very impatient. Right after that moment I’m back to playing with my demons, well they’re more like my tails
-family members
Yelling in my head, but outer expression other than a face
-at myself
Head down, screaming installs at myself in my head. Sometimes leads to suicidal thoughts, “sometimes”
-everything else
Make a face, gets super impatient, wanting to punch someone, sometimes agressive to a friend but play it off as if I’m playing  (I’m known to play very agressive, for a girl in my group of friends).

Suicidal thoughts?
Usually just sitting and trying to keep it in, i become numb or try blocking it out with music. I also draw, write. One time it got so bad that I burned my arm, multiple times.

Super sad/depress?
Sleep. At least in my dreams I’m happy – kinda. Even though I’ve somewhat started blocking my dreams, well when I’m overly sad I don’t dream.

Overall?
I’m somewhat messy, but i like order. I get anxious very easily, and super happy easily too. But sometimes I can’t so I fake a smile, a laugh just so I don’t have to hear my family reminding me to get over it when in reality it’s hard. I’m not confident, yet people call my personality very bubbly. I started this blog to share my work and thoughts, but sometimes it feels like therapy.