You ever been so lost and tired that you don’t recognize yourself no matter how hard you try. Where you keep wearing a mask but not sure how to take it off? Like I been so focused on saving money for potential rental deposit, since a lot of “assistances” wasn’t helping with that. I also… Read More Rant 007
I think the biggest reasons that I don’t understand or know what emotion I’m feeling most of the time is not only because of the toxicity of my upbringing, but also because my default reaction to everything is anger. Then when I notice I’m angry I quickly try to change it to anything but that… Read More Rant 004
Don’t know why, but I have this deep urge to drink again. Even when I’m trying so hard to stay positive and remind myself it’ll be alright. But the desperate need to buy a bottle and drown is strong, and I don’t understand why I’m having the urge when I’m trying to be ok. I… Read More Rant 003
It sucks being constantly reminded how you’re always in the wrong no matter how hard you try. You give it your all but it’s never enough. You’re constantly trying to be considerate of the other person. Constantly making sure you don’t mess up and become misunderstood. But the moment you slip for a brief second… Read More It hurts.
Know what’s the worst thing I heard growing up suicidal. Constantly being told to think about other people and how they would feel. Not once did anyone validate my feelings and tried to speak to me about why I felt that way. Making it ever so clear that I wasn’t even important enough to be… Read More Suicide
Know what sucks about constantly dealing with suicidal ideations and urges, is that I’m constantly avoiding medication. From pain meds to psychaitris meds. Especially because that was always my way out. Too many times coming close to overdose. Even worse when going through the process to be prescribed heavy meds to go through with finally… Read More Pills
This is just strange. I can’t sleep nor think. And whatever thoughts I do have are about my book characters. Is this a way to help cope with the true emotions I have been trying to avoid? I finally am going to see a therapist, in Oregon. But as I spoke during my assessment it… Read More Thoughts
I must be a fool. As the night lingers, I wonder to myself. I have done all I could for those around me. I had conformed to what everyone wanted of me. Even trying to contain my thoughts to myself. And in the end, I’m all alone. I have tried endlessly to fill this void… Read More A Fool
As of this moment I am safe. Yes, I was thinking suicide as I wrote this and was planning to, until I got to the end. It’s currently the only thing that’s making me debt killing myself. Trying to relieve some pain but deep down i really do with I could pull the plug to… Read More Poem: Suicide Note
Just feeling off and want to get some thoughts out of my head. There’s so many labels and things to identify as, but nothing feels right. It’s like I don’t even have an identity to begin with. I even feel some sort of pressure to choose which side I’m supposed to be on. This is… Read More Having a moment
Xexiar 