It sucks being constantly reminded how you’re always in the wrong no matter how hard you try. You give it your all but it’s never enough.
You’re constantly trying to be considerate of the other person. Constantly making sure you don’t mess up and become misunderstood. But the moment you slip for a brief second everyone hates you.
The moment you let your anger and pain show is when everybody turns on you. To be yelled and screamed at how you’re selfish and don’t think of others. To be told how dare you for upsetting them.
But what else are you supposed to do? Why aren’t you allowed to have moments where you can freely express something is bothering you without it turning into being shame on how selfish you are. Being told how you changed all because you got tired and once again tried to put your foot down.
Yet, no matter where you go it’s all the same. You’re forced to be small to make sure that nobody complains about your very existence. At that, you’re so used to being abandoned by the people who chose to be your family that it becomes all you know.
And when you finally leave the family abandoned and abused you, you’re lost. You try to be grateful to a new group of people who chose to also take you in. But even they do similar things as your old family.
Even though people have opened their home to you, of their free will, you still have to be on the edge. Because any wrong move will get you in trouble. Will get commented how your very existence is in the way. How no matter where you go you’ll always be a burden.
But you worked so hard to quiet the suicidal thoughts, yet it’s difficult. It’s a struggle to not become so numb again to where the only way you’ll feel anything is to harm yourself.
I been trying my best to keep moving forward and building a better life. And the only way I know how to keep myself safe as I work on everything is to isolate. But even then I become crippled by my complex ptsd and get lost on what I should be doing.
At times I’m on the verge of doing it again. Just a hair away from burning myself again. Not to mention I’m two months away from a year of being sober. I don’t want to ruin all my hard work all because I can’t take it. I’m so done constantly being trapped and being reminded I’m never enough.
Xexiar 