You ever been so lost and tired that you don’t recognize yourself no matter how hard you try. Where you keep wearing a mask but not sure how to take it off?
Like I been so focused on saving money for potential rental deposit, since a lot of “assistances” wasn’t helping with that. I also focused so hard on keeping on top of a chore that helps keep me functionally alive, which is washing my dishes.
But because of this I had to cut out things that I still require funds for. Such as taking a shower. This is in part because the trailer park I currently reside has paid showers. Yet, to try to save as much as I could I neglected a huge part of my self care. Along with dealing cleaning my living space. So everything has gotten so overwhelming.
Last Friday I found I could afford getting $2 in quarters, from my roommates, so now I can shower. They even allowed me to wash my towel with their laundry. That was another factor that made self care difficult. Because I typically hand wash my laundry and only pay to dry, but during December I forgot to wash my towel. So it took forever to get that done with how I had no laundry money.
So, now that I finally have a clean towel and shower money, I’m going to finally get a much needed shower. I don’t feel like myself when things pile up on me. From my fight with depression, not being able to celebrate my birthday because of dealing with housing situation, getting the news I wasn’t getting that apartment. So, yeah, things kept piling up and with my avoiding tendencies for dealing with my emotions, everything became a downward spiral.
I almost get hit by a car with how much things had affected me. I been trying to deal with things by pretending it doesn’t bother me, and just trying to stay positive. When the reality is I’m scared of where my thoughts would go the moment I do face what I’m feeling.
I struggled my whole life with suicidal ideations and self harm, that when I finally am at a point where the thoughts aren’t screaming, I don’t want to stop moving. I try my hardest to write my emotions the moment I experience had calming it made me feel when I discovered poetry in 2nd grade. I tried painting and drawing things to keep me looking at the brighter side when my whole reality was a nightmare, both sleeping and awake. When I discovered gaming it became another safe form of escapism.
I been forced my whole life to be small and quiet because it’s I’ve learned my words would never be taken seriously. I’ve learned how much of nothing I really was to the people around me. Dealing with going to therapy since I was 5 because I almost hanged myself. Yet, around the same time, one of my sisters hang me out the second floor window, ready to drop me. But, from her recollection, our parents stopped her and saved me. So by all accounts I was so close to death at the age of five. If not by my own hands, but by a family member.
Also at the age of 5, the eldest, which is a boy, became a father to my first niece. I was already not wanted and to have another child in the family made things worse. Not to mention, the very sister that hanged me out the window is the same sister who was forced to raise me. She claims she doesn’t resent me, but in her every action says otherwise. Especially since she likes to used that fact she raised me over my head. Pretty much at every chance she gets she reminds me that if not for her I wouldn’t be alive. To her, I was pretty much her slave. She never viewed me as a sister. Even though all I ever wanted was to help her and pay back all she done for me.
Thanks to her I hate owing anyone. Thanks to my family I don’t believe people can be genuine without underline motives. I trust people at a distance. I could express myself but at the same time I have a face for everyone I meet. It’s so bad that I don’t even recognize myself.
But as I been living in Oregon for the past 3 years, I been getting better at talking to people. Trusting is something I simply can’t do because I don’t trust myself. That’s something I look forward to learning when I finally live alone. Because living alone will be the first time I don’t have to think about someone else. Where the only feedback I would have is myself.
I already know myself enough to understand the nuance that is my gender, sexual preference, baseline belief system, and baseline personality. But outside of that I don’t know much about myself. I’m still learning to care for my physical body, and that’s difficult. To learn what foods I can eat without issues. To learn my hair type. To learn how to care for my skin after years of self mutilation. To learn to think for myself while vocalizing those thoughts without fearing the consequences.
The reason why I post my thoughts publicly is not only because this whole blog was a college assignment. I also public my thoughts because I hated feeling alone. So if someone who is feeling similar to what I feel I wouldn’t want them to feel alone. I want to feel seen. There’s also the sense of finding comfort in connecting with people.
Xexiar 